The fact that you’re here means that you want to hear about mental health and therapy, clicked on something interesting, or are nosey. Either way, I welcome you to my chaos. Okay, my rectified chaos. In this, I hope that if you see yourself in my story; that you’re empowered to make changes similar to me or that you can cheer someone on who may need therapy. I needed therapy. Something was “off”. As people, I’m always confused as to why when we notice that something is off, we don’t take notice of it and do something in the moment. I guess that’s how we end up in therapy. Those who are elevated to a level or consciousness recognize that awkward energy and make adjustments.
The Breakdown
Have you ever felt like you’ve been running non-stop? It’s almost like you can’t seem to catch your breath to save your life. I had been feeling a pressure on my chest and around my throat. The air felt heavy. This had been going on for at least 6 months. As someone who was still physically active; it wasn’t alarming because I was “performing” at a pretty decent level. At least to me, I was being consistent. Nevertheless, this was my first red flag. Along with this stress, I started to notice that my normal means of escaping distresses weren’t working. This was red flag number two. There weren’t enough movies, exercise, breathing, car rides, store trips, accomplishments, or traveling itineraries that could clean the dark ink blots starting to cloud my mind. Then, I started to have frequent moments where I could be walking in a store or outside, completely listless and vacant minded, and I’d start to have flashbacks of traumatic events or I would just start crying. More like welling up with tears because I wasn’t about to let a tear fall. I could hold back the dam that Katrina broke if need be. That still scared the shit out of me. I could be on the chips aisle and start to feel that throat pain. [We all know that throat pain when you’re trying to fight tears]. I’d then stop what I was doing and retreat home or out of sight. I could be in the middle of attempted grocery shopping, leaving movie theaters, or running errands. It was starting to impede on my everyday living. RED FLAG.
We need to take a second to discuss perspective at this point. By most standards across the world I was operating at a level higher than 98% of the world’s population. In fact, most Americans are doing better than the majority of the world, no matter how much money we earn. To the outside world, I was high functioning; maybe even very high functioning. I was making all my bills, I had a degree in a great field, two paid for cars, running a business that could subsidize my life if I wanted/needed, great travel experiences and the whole lot. But to me, I had almost nothing. I looked at myself and amidst this tornado I asked myself these questions: “Have you had a relationship you’re proud of?” “Do people need you?” “Are you living your dreams?” and “Do you feel like people need you?” The answer was a resounding no. That self-interrogation sucked!
Then came (false) hope...
I found myself in a situation with a new life goal post and that was exciting. I was like “It’s a whole new me. I’m doing things I never do. I’m winning and I’m about to lock this down.” I was starting to have aspirations that maybe this would be a catalyst for turning my year. I was going to win at something I wanted. Life said, “NO!”. Resoundingly so, in my birthday month no less. When things started to fall apart for lack of better words; I had a visceral, physical reaction. I remember coming home one day to a place I hated, with a roommate I was suing, and thoughts of despair and desertion. I didn’t sleep because I could feel every heartbeat like the footsteps of an elephant. I felt the air burning my lungs like gusts from the arctic tundra but my body felt singed and engulfed with heat. [Insert anxiety attack] - It's important to understand what an anxiety or panic attack looks like. Get familiar so that you know what's going on when and if it happens.
The Process
I went to work the next day and was explaining all of the night’s transpirations to my friend and It wasn’t a new conversation. It was something we’d talked about before but I was sure I was going to self-medicate, self-treat, and self-heal. This time I knew I couldn’t escape the process. It was necessary. He was like, “You should go to therapy” and practically held my hand through the process. So, I began hunting for a therapist.
I was sure that I needed a middle-aged Latina [which actually relates to one of my traumas] to talk to but all of the therapists in our network were so not that. I landed on one where I felt like I might be settling. Now it was time for one more approval, maybe my last one. I talked to my sister. I told her that I was considering going to therapy. She gave me her utmost blessing. In that moment, I knew I couldn’t back out. I had to go through with it and I really felt like I had what I needed to uncover my mess, go through the process, and clean it up. It is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made for my life. Let’s do a quick run-through of how it went.
I got there. I’m nervous like the first day of middle school. My therapist is direct and earnest. But, I was thinking, “How is this going to work? He’s Asian and has religious imagery in his office. What are we going to talk about? AAAh get me out of here” I expected to have some sob session on his couch but it wasn’t like that. For me, it was answering my big life questions. It was about me getting in alignment with who I am and my purpose. I got diagnosed with PTSD. I have had a series of events in my life that you could consider traumatic but I don’t think I wanted to own this title because I didn’t want to feel broken but Earnest Hemingway said that “We are strongest in the places that we’ve been broken.” I’m a believer. The bigger picture though was that my depression was a symptom of being out of alignment with my purpose. You might call it God’s plan or the universe’s, however you put it, it’s ok with me. That depression was causing the cascades of the PTSD. PTSD is a trap that cages and enraptures you. Getting in alignment would mean freedom.
My process isn’t complicated. It’s about doing those things, the homework, to figure out why you and I are here and where do we fit in the puzzle. I knew mine, I suppressed it. I needed to fit society’s structure. I needed to win. I needed to be great in everybody else’s games by playing by their rules. This was something I never did in another country and those were times I felt most free because I wasn’t bound by any norms or social structures. I had my own agency abroad. I needed to bring that state of being home, make it intrinsic, and follow in my path. I started to reframe what success looked like, what love looks like, what gratitude looks like, and what destiny looks like.
My practice is about doing things that make me better at what I’m meant to do. If I am to be a great story-teller. I need to first tell stories and then get good at telling stories. I need to write, I need to understand situations different from my own. I practice, I go outside of my comfort zone, and I give gratitude. I’m building a community and aware of my potential. I have won a major lottery in this life even with all of the negatives. I am fortitudinous and unwavering and I would give nothing for my journey! I have a legacy to leave and I will be sure that little boys and girls who see themselves in my story get to a place of self-love, acceptance, and success. I can do it. You can too.
The Reception
I can’t tell you how blissful it feels to have the support of the people who inspire you, the people you love, and the people who matter. I think in the world of social media influencers, even with micro-influencers, sometimes sharing feels forced and very surface level. I’m open to a deeper conversation. I started to tell my friends [and my sister of course] about my experience and was received with so much love, embrace, and acceptance, I could survive a few harsh winters. That was affirming. Even as I write this I feel it all over again. To everyone telling me how they wanted to consider going to therapy; I’m here to support you. For those who told me how proud they were; I love you. Lastly, to all the people I love who were already going to therapy; we’re not having the conversations but I want to.
I want to support you because you matter. I know I have a journey to continue on but this is the first time I feel like I’m living. Mark Twain said, “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” I found out why and now I flourish from within. I’m proud to have a new level of empathy. My mental peace is like I’ve never felt and I’m more focused than ever.
I physically am so much stronger and can endure a lot more. The most incredible part about this process is understanding that I did accomplish a lot on an empty tank and now I marvel at what I can do with all my devices at my ready.
If you need to talk or want to understand more about how therapy can be beneficial for you be sure to check out psychologytoday.com to find a therapist near you or chat to me about it. I’m ready to support you, supporting me, supporting us through this process and don’t worry, the trajectory is uneven and bumpy with peaks and troughs but we fight to get to our destination.
Supplemental advice…
I just happened to be reading Chelsea Handler’s “Life will be the death of me...and you too” as I started my process and I related to a lot of her story of going to therapy with dealing with grief, empathy, and what it means to perform in our society.
The Happiness Equation by Neil Pasricha. This book has been offering me viable ways to practice gratitude, finding intrinsic peace and happiness, reframing situations and their outcomes and thinking positively. The tagline is want nothing + do anything = have everything.
I have to say I'm so thankful for Angelo Geter and my sister Nichole Yeldell for being the support I needed this year and getting me to this place.